If Only
by Seylin
Summary: Never when he's sober... Slash.


**Title**: If Only

**Author**: Seylin

**Summary**: Never when he's sober.

**Rating**: M

**Warning**: Graphic m/m sex. Alcohol use. Slash. Jacob/Seth. Jacob/Edward (one-sided?)

**Disclaimer**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Stephenie Meyer. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Roughly based on a scene from _Rules of Attraction_ by Bret Easton Ellis.

If Only

Jacob Black never fucks me when he's sober.

I'm a drunken kind of fuck he says.

Uh… _thanks_? I'm not sure how someone is supposed to respond to a statement like that. I know it makes me feel like a total slut but when he shows up at my door, like now, knocking and saying my name in that husky voice of his…

"Seth."

I can't help but to close my eyes, get to my feet and open the door.

He's standing on the other side, looking absolutely delicious in those ripped jeans and black t-shirt. I feel myself grow hard just at the sight of him but I try to play it cool. "Jake. What are you doing here?" I lean against the doorframe, blocking his way into the room.

Jacob gives me that little grin, his brown eyes boring into my own. "You know why I'm here Seth." He leans in and I nearly gag on the amount of alcohol I can smell on his breath. That breath brushes against my ear and sends a shiver down my spine. "I wanna fuck you."

I should say no. I should slam the door in his face. But my body responds without consulting my brain. My dick goes from limp to hard in the span of just a few seconds. I close my eyes and bite my lip. Jacob pushes…well, _stumbles_ against me, really, back into my room. His lips are on mine, our teeth clicking together. That hurts a little but damn…even drunker than fuck Jacob can kiss like the devil himself.

We fall back onto my bed. I groan as a spring stabs me in the back. But it's at the same moment that Jacob grinds his hips into mine so maybe the groan was from his raging hard-on being ground into my own stiffening erection.

This isn't fair. I should stop him. He doesn't want me, doesn't want me the way I want him. Jacob has it bad for Edward Cullen. Funny thing is-Edward Cullen has it bad for Jacob, but they're both to pussy to do anything about it. It sucks for guys like me because watching them dance around each other is so fucking hot. It does make for some good imagery to jerk off to though. Jacob's lips and teeth are on my neck. I arch against him.

I think I hear Jacob moan Edward's name. It's like a punch to my gut and my erection wanes a bit. I lick my lips. "J-Jake…"

He grunts. Whether it's an acknowledgement or just a reaction to his humping me I don't know. _God_…he feels so good pressed against me. His hands are moving under my shirt now, stroking the skin of my chest. I hiss when his fingers pinch my nipples. His fingers press them into my chest, then roll them between his fingers. I love it when he does that.

I need to get his attention, though. Stop this before it goes too far. "Jake, did you know I was born in the parking lot of a Walmart?" I blurt out. It's not true and if he weren't so wasted Jacob would know that, but as is his fingers stop rubbing my nipples and his eyes meet mine. He's confused and so fucked up. I bite my lip.

"Just get naked Seth," Jacob slurred. "Lay or stand, I don't care. It doesn't matter. Understand?"

It didn't matter, it never mattered, _I_ never mattered. I was just a drunk fuck. I swallow hard and nod. "Perfectly," I whisper. I slide out from under him and get up to turn the light off. Turning back toward him I pull my shirt completely off and let it drop to the floor. While I turned the light off he had undone his jeans and pulled his long, thick erection out, stroking it slowly. The dim light of my laptop screen reflects of his tan skin, giving it an eerie glow.

On my knees next to my bed I push Jacob's hand away from his erection and take his head between my lips. While I work my tongue around the head, I push my sweats down. I guide Jacob's closest hand to my ass. His fingers squeeze and kneed the skin under them before running up and down my crack. The fingers disappear for a second and I hear another sucking sound over my own. It took me a moment to realize that Jacob was getting his fingers wet. He hadn't bothered to look for any lube…but then I sort of have him pinned to the bed. Then his fingers are back, three of them wet, one pressing against the puckered entrance of my ass. The first finger slips in fairly easily. It searches and I groan when it hits my prostrate.

Jacob likes that groan. I know because he arches into my mouth. I have to relax my throat quickly so I don't gag. I push his hips back down as he presses a second finger into me. I turn my head a bit, brushing my teeth against the vein on the underside of his cock to distract myself from the pain that came from his fingers scissoring and stretching me. Jacob releases a groan of his own. I can feel the fingers of his free hand in my hair and when he groans his fingers tighten around the strands. It hurts a little but when he adds that third finger…it hurts more.

Jacob's breathing is getting quick. As I bob my head up and down, my bottom lip brushes his balls and I can feel them tightening. He removes his fingers and I groan at the loss. I can feel the pre-cum from my own cock sliding down the hard skin. His fingers against my prostrate had done that. Jacob's fingers tighten in my hair again, but this time he pulls my head up and away from his erection. The salty taste of Jacob lingers on my tongue as I watch him pant.

"…Wait… wait…" He gasps. I roll my eyes and lower my head again. He groans as I deep throat him. He's wiggling under me, trying to get his jeans and boxers off. When he finally manages it he pulls me up, this time my whole body, not just my head. We're kissing, deeply now. I should ask Jacob if he's acquired any diseases since the last time he came to my room. But, I lose myself in his kiss, loving the feel of his tongue rolling against my own.

Jacob lifts me on top of him. His hard cock curls against the curve of my ass. We keep kissing as I position myself. My soft gasp as my body took Jacob's cock in was lost in our kiss. Jacob nibbles on my bottom lip and I groan. I doubt Jacob could have told anyone one thing that was a weakness of mine when he was sober but he always remembered when he was drunk. It made me wonder if somewhere in his unconsciousness Jacob actually loved me.

"Edward," Jacob moans through clenched teeth.

Okay…maybe not. My rhythm of rising and impaling myself on Jacob faltered. I was only a stand in. I was only a stand in. I had to remember. _I_ didn't matter. Tears prick the corners of my eyes and I almost call an end to this. But then Jacob slams his hips up into me, right against my prostrate and I can't. My erection throbs wanting some much needed attention. I wrap my fingers around my hard flesh just as Jacob flips our positions.

"Fuck yes…so _tight_," Jacob groans as he pounds into me. I wonder if he is imagining himself pounding into Edward. I stroke myself quickly; I can feel my orgasm curling in my stomach, my balls tightening with each thrust into my body and brush against my prostrate. "Fuuuck!"

Jacob thrusts into me two more times. I can feel his body tighten with his orgasm. His cum is hot inside me. I cum on his last thrust, the strands landing on my stomach. I'm trying to catch my breath when Jacob pulls out and lies beside me on the small bed. I turn to wrap my arm around his waist, hoping he'll give into sleep as he does sometimes after sex. Those are the only times I can hold him and pretend.

This isn't one of those times, though. Jacob pulls away and sits on the edge of the bed. He runs a hand through his short hair as he looks around my dorm room. He's calmer now that he's had a good fuck. Jacob reaches for his boxers and jeans, pulling them back on. He never took his shirt off. The pricking feeling comes back as I watch him get dressed.

Reaching down I grab the edge of my sheet and draw it up over myself, turning on my side with my back to Jacob. I doubt he would notice I was crying if I hadn't but I didn't want to take the chance. The first tear slides across my nose and falls to my pillow.

"Where's the tissues?"

"Don't worry about it," I mumble.

"But-"

"I don't fucking have any Jacob!"

He's still for a moment and I think that maybe I've gone too far. Maybe he'll notice my shoulders shaking and want to comfort me. It's a stupid hope. Just like a keep telling myself, _I_ don't matter. It was always about Jacob, Mr. Alpha, Mr. Big Dog on Campus. Jacob always gets want he wants and I…I can never say no. "Okay…uh, bye Seth."

I don't say anything as I hear him open the door and then it close behind him. When he's gone I curl up into a ball and cry. If only Jacob loved _me_ and not Edward fucking Cullen… if only…

A horrible thought crosses my mind. If only Jacob had offered me money. If he had just pulled out his wallet, thrown a few bills at me… Then I really would be a whore. I would be a complete disgrace instead of just a drunk fuck. If he ever offered me money I'd have a real reason to kill myself.

If only…


End file.
